Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t rule the Internet, nor does Google GOOGL -0.24%. Cats own the Internet.
It takes genius, timing and magic to become an Internet meme if you’re a human, but all a cat needs to do is chase a laser pointer for 90 seconds and they are a star. A human could never get to be an Internet sensation just by looking bad tempered, like grumpy cat.
To get as much attention as a cat falling off a chair, a human has to explode himself with gasoline while juggling chainsaws. Cats can do this because they know how to own and control humans. They are manipulators of our human psychology. This domination is so complete, cats even infect humans with a mind control virus called “toxoplasmosis.”
Cats have humanity in the bag.
So what can business learn from cats? After all, how much would a brand need to spend to be as loved as cats? There simply aren’t that many billions in the ad budgets of the world to get close.
So here are five lessons companies can learn from cats. They might be impossible for mere humans to follow, but let’s face it, no one’s going to feed and massage you on demand your whole life either. You just aren’t that smart.
The sabre tooth tiger is extinct. The street cat is everywhere.
At some point as humans rose from their monkey past, cats had to make an evolutionary choice to either eat the bald monkeys or hang out with them. The “eat the naked chimp” strategy didn’t work out well for big cats even though there are still some trying. The smart monkeys wiped them out even though they cage a few to go look at them. Getting big hasn’t worked out well for the giant predator strains of cat.
On the other hand, the “get small and cute strategy” rocks. There was even a moment when the monkeys worshiped cats as gods. But let’s forget Reddit, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats too.
For a business, keeping it small and funky is the way to survive in this fast evolving and ferocious business environment. The glory of being a big cat might look good on paper but staying small and keeping it fun is the way to go if you want a quality business life.
Lesson 2: If the customers need you, stick in your claws
People need cats, not the other way around. Forget to feed a cat and they will be down the street cozying up to another customer for their services in hours. Leave enough food for a cat for a week and when you get back it will be pleased to see you.
There is nothing a cat likes more than to sit on your lap and stick its claws into you. If a dog caused you so much pain and so often, you’d get rid of it, but if it’s a cat tearing up your legs, you pretend it is showing its love. That is because you need the cat more then you need your skin. Once you need the cat, the cat can do almost anything it likes, and it does.
Companies need to embrace this strategy. Don’t give good customers a break, as they are either too rich, too desperate, too stupid or too enamored by your product to stay away. Stick your claws into them and enjoy. It doesn’t matter if they protest, throw you off their laps, they will be back for more. They are hopelessly co-dependant on you.
Lesson 3: Pretend to the customer you’re cute and friendly then stick your claws in them
There are a lot of cats in the world and not all of them get a customer to stick their claws in. The cats that win out are the ones that look cute and are friendly. Few people can resist a kitten. So business must be kittenish.
Companies should have bouncy castles in their reception. Tell everyone they want to make the world a better place. Put a windmill or two on their CO2 catastrophic datacentres. They should pretend to be eccentric. The CEO should jump off buildings on zip wires. They should profess to want to change the world, empower people, give back.
This is the way to the customer’s lap: though their heart strings. Then once the customer are enamoured you are free to stick their claws into them. It will of course be an act of love and playfulness.
Lesson 4: Find out stuff your customer loves and stick your claws into that
Everyone knows cats trash your stuff. Cats will even trash your stuff right in front of you. There is no dissuading them. If a dog tried it, it would end up in a kennel in the yard.
So a cat-like corporation needs to find out what its customers like and stick their claws into that. If your customers like to go to the bathroom, charge them for it like a French café or a British budget airline.
If you think you might get your claws pulled for being too outrageous, like charging kids for virtual lives in a game little better than freeware, think about horizontal brand extension. If they can’t stay away from your product, for example a candy bar, then make an ice cream with heart stopping cholesterol levels with the same branding.
There are only so many laps to gouge, you need to think outside of the box to get in more clawing action.
Lesson 5: Bury your poop
There is one thing even the loving bald monkeys won’t put up with and that’s your poop. Poop, corporate or feline, is lethal to the business model. Cats worked this out long ago and being smarter than dogs learned to hide their poop from the naked chimp.
If you don’t think your corporate poop is disgusting you are not going to survive for long.
Take a leaf from other business cats. Delete all your email, always. Make sure all your corporate cats know they don’t have any future with you or anyone else, unless they always bury their poop. Make sure your poop is protected by attorney client privilege. Be certain you never stumble across or go looking for where the poop is buried. Never admit to pooping.
Follow the Way of the Cat
Cats of course are smarter than the naked apes, which is why humans work for cats and not the other way around. As such all the lessons to be learnt from cats can’t possibly be taught in just five points. The smartest strategies of course will be beyond our meagre intelligence, but that is no reason not to go try and divine cats’ fiendish yet brilliant stratagems.
—
Clem Chambers is the CEO of leading private investors Web site ADVFN.com and author of The Game in Wall Street and Letters to my Broker.
source
It takes genius, timing and magic to become an Internet meme if you’re a human, but all a cat needs to do is chase a laser pointer for 90 seconds and they are a star. A human could never get to be an Internet sensation just by looking bad tempered, like grumpy cat.
To get as much attention as a cat falling off a chair, a human has to explode himself with gasoline while juggling chainsaws. Cats can do this because they know how to own and control humans. They are manipulators of our human psychology. This domination is so complete, cats even infect humans with a mind control virus called “toxoplasmosis.”
Cats have humanity in the bag.
So what can business learn from cats? After all, how much would a brand need to spend to be as loved as cats? There simply aren’t that many billions in the ad budgets of the world to get close.
So here are five lessons companies can learn from cats. They might be impossible for mere humans to follow, but let’s face it, no one’s going to feed and massage you on demand your whole life either. You just aren’t that smart.
The sabre tooth tiger is extinct. The street cat is everywhere.
At some point as humans rose from their monkey past, cats had to make an evolutionary choice to either eat the bald monkeys or hang out with them. The “eat the naked chimp” strategy didn’t work out well for big cats even though there are still some trying. The smart monkeys wiped them out even though they cage a few to go look at them. Getting big hasn’t worked out well for the giant predator strains of cat.
On the other hand, the “get small and cute strategy” rocks. There was even a moment when the monkeys worshiped cats as gods. But let’s forget Reddit, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats too.
For a business, keeping it small and funky is the way to survive in this fast evolving and ferocious business environment. The glory of being a big cat might look good on paper but staying small and keeping it fun is the way to go if you want a quality business life.
Lesson 2: If the customers need you, stick in your claws
People need cats, not the other way around. Forget to feed a cat and they will be down the street cozying up to another customer for their services in hours. Leave enough food for a cat for a week and when you get back it will be pleased to see you.
There is nothing a cat likes more than to sit on your lap and stick its claws into you. If a dog caused you so much pain and so often, you’d get rid of it, but if it’s a cat tearing up your legs, you pretend it is showing its love. That is because you need the cat more then you need your skin. Once you need the cat, the cat can do almost anything it likes, and it does.
Companies need to embrace this strategy. Don’t give good customers a break, as they are either too rich, too desperate, too stupid or too enamored by your product to stay away. Stick your claws into them and enjoy. It doesn’t matter if they protest, throw you off their laps, they will be back for more. They are hopelessly co-dependant on you.
Lesson 3: Pretend to the customer you’re cute and friendly then stick your claws in them
There are a lot of cats in the world and not all of them get a customer to stick their claws in. The cats that win out are the ones that look cute and are friendly. Few people can resist a kitten. So business must be kittenish.
Companies should have bouncy castles in their reception. Tell everyone they want to make the world a better place. Put a windmill or two on their CO2 catastrophic datacentres. They should pretend to be eccentric. The CEO should jump off buildings on zip wires. They should profess to want to change the world, empower people, give back.
This is the way to the customer’s lap: though their heart strings. Then once the customer are enamoured you are free to stick their claws into them. It will of course be an act of love and playfulness.
Lesson 4: Find out stuff your customer loves and stick your claws into that
Everyone knows cats trash your stuff. Cats will even trash your stuff right in front of you. There is no dissuading them. If a dog tried it, it would end up in a kennel in the yard.
So a cat-like corporation needs to find out what its customers like and stick their claws into that. If your customers like to go to the bathroom, charge them for it like a French café or a British budget airline.
If you think you might get your claws pulled for being too outrageous, like charging kids for virtual lives in a game little better than freeware, think about horizontal brand extension. If they can’t stay away from your product, for example a candy bar, then make an ice cream with heart stopping cholesterol levels with the same branding.
There are only so many laps to gouge, you need to think outside of the box to get in more clawing action.
Lesson 5: Bury your poop
There is one thing even the loving bald monkeys won’t put up with and that’s your poop. Poop, corporate or feline, is lethal to the business model. Cats worked this out long ago and being smarter than dogs learned to hide their poop from the naked chimp.
If you don’t think your corporate poop is disgusting you are not going to survive for long.
Take a leaf from other business cats. Delete all your email, always. Make sure all your corporate cats know they don’t have any future with you or anyone else, unless they always bury their poop. Make sure your poop is protected by attorney client privilege. Be certain you never stumble across or go looking for where the poop is buried. Never admit to pooping.
Follow the Way of the Cat
Cats of course are smarter than the naked apes, which is why humans work for cats and not the other way around. As such all the lessons to be learnt from cats can’t possibly be taught in just five points. The smartest strategies of course will be beyond our meagre intelligence, but that is no reason not to go try and divine cats’ fiendish yet brilliant stratagems.
—
Clem Chambers is the CEO of leading private investors Web site ADVFN.com and author of The Game in Wall Street and Letters to my Broker.
source